Ted Haggard – A Whole Lotta Dirty

Ted Haggard’s latest coming out party was interesting to watch – not interesting enough to watch in its entirety, but I caught snippets. He recently did the media rounds to promote Alexandra Pelosi’s recent HBO Documentary of him, “The Trials of Ted Harrard.”

After catching snippets of Haggard and his wife on Larry King and Oprah, I decided to watch the film. This was also after a few people in my Free Thinker group of peeps said they saw the documentary and “felt sorry for him.” My husband and I were galled by such a notion, but I also though Mission Accomplished. That’s exactly what Ted was hoping the documentary would do – drum up sympathy. That and make him some money cause it looks like brother be broke.


  • The man is clearly gay. I know the Christian community loves to say he would be suffering from “same sex attraction” which is so out of touch with reality, it makes me throw up a little in my mouth. He basically has a neon sign on his forehead, “HOMOSEXUAL,” and his life will continue to suck ass as long as he fights his true identity. But, hey – it’s a free country, so fight away Haggard; just try to do it off the boob tube, ya know?
  • In one of the interviews, he discusses working with helpers to fix his gayness affliction and reveals that a friend of his father’s had a relationship of a sexual nature with him when he was 7, but he didn’t think it was abusive (it did cause him to wet the bed until middle school, however). He only realized it was abusive after these helpers told him it was.
    • Now, let’s recap. The man is over 50, has been the spiritual leader of thousands upon thousands of people for two decades and doesn’t know right away that a sexual relationship with a child is abusive. Problem anyone? HUGE, huge problem. Does this mean that he has engaged in relationships of a sexual nature with children? He only recently discovered such activity was wrong… And what if church members came to him for counseling because of an occurrence of child molestation. This man was wholly unqualified to guide them or help them in any way and, in fact, may have taken advantage of the situation.
    • This is one of those after school special moments where the viewer learns that the church is not the best place for counseling or psychotherapy of any kind. These people are not trained, licensed or professional. (That goes for “alleged” domestic abuser Chris Brown who said he was seeking counseling from his pastor. I hope it’s not the pastor in Georgia who beat the shit out of his wife, said the Devil made him do it and leads the church still today. Christ, religioners can be dumb)
  • Haggard admitted the church was a business and noted that, now, he’s bad for business. Well, hallelujah, slap yo momma! Finally. Let’s acknowledge here that churches are for-profit institutions that make many, many of their leaders rich off the moneys many of their congregation cannot afford to give. These should be taxable institutions and not protected by an unconstitutional government endorsement of them through tax-free status.
  • The church agreed to a settlement with Haggard as long as he left Colorado (for at least a year, but I don’t know how long in total). So instead of telling the church to go fuck themselves and that he was going to stay in his house for the sake of his kids, he drags them from place to place while he tries to find a job,which is difficult – apparently a 50 year-old pastor with no other experience isn’t qualified for many things in the “secular” world. It seems that if baby jesus was so benevolent and all-giving, he would have sent an angel to give Pastor Ted solid employment. For some reason, baby jesus didn’t. Weird.
    In the meantime, the children he has still in their adolescence must go with the vagabond family from place to place with no stability while their father focuses on rectifying his “homosexual issues.” If it were me, I would have sold the house, told the church to suck it and put down roots somewhere else in Colorado or near family and focused on the kids. Of course, I’m not some crazy jesus freak. And where is the extended family in all this? Are there no siblings, no grandparents or aunts or uncles to help the same-sex afflicted douchebag, his Olympic in denial housewife and their offspring?
  • While leader of his church, Haggard claimed Christians have the best sex lives and that he and his wife have sex every day – then looked to a couple of men standing near them and asked them the frequency of their sex lives. One man said every day and the other, not to be out-penised, said twice a day. On Oprah, his wife gushed how wonderful their sex life was. Are we spotting a theme? Perhaps a preoccupation with sex? Even if Haggard did have sex every day, the man is a performer and was probably trying to look like the best heterosexual husband he could in the best way he knew how. Boning his wife and boning her a lot. When will people learn that frequency is not an indication of sexual health? And, in fact, the bragging about it (and probably lying about it) ad nauseam is very indicative of a sexual or psychological problem.
  • Do I feel sorry for Ted Haggard? hmmm. soul-searching…soul-searching…
    • Short answer: No.
    • Long answer: Hell-to-the-no, chaka khan! The man is a victim of his own creation. He founded that bloody church and grew it into a monstrosity until he could suckle at its teat and feel comfortable enough to have a drug habit and homosexual relationships on the side.(BTW, did his wife ever get tested for STDs? If your man – or woman – is messing around, for the love of pete, get tested!)
      Christians are a famously intolerable group of people – remember the Inquisition? – and this is what happens when one of them faces adversity. If you make them look bad….EXILE! It’s not what jesus would do, but it’s what a Christian would do. All that love your neighbor and enemy shite is just a big load. Haggard created a monster and then was eaten by it. There are carbon copies all over the country, sad to say, and none of them will learn lessons from Haggard’s tale. Cause he’s an icky aberration that has no reflection on them. If you look in the faces of jesus’ followers, will you see him looking back? Does a bear shit in the woods? Wait a minute! I mean, does a bear shit in the city? Wait – forget it.

7 Responses to “Ted Haggard – A Whole Lotta Dirty”

  1. 1 raul
    February 24, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    While I don’t condone Ted Haggard’s behavior, let’s remind ourselves of one thing…

    We are human. Humans make mistakes. Some humans commit adultery, some murder…some lie to their spouses, others are prideful…the point is, we are not perfect, you and I, and we all make mistakes.

    Haggard created his own life scenario, and became a public figure. He is how being shamed as a public figure as a result of that.

    There are many many pastors and church leaders who have problems with sexual immorality (much like the rest of the world) – does that make them not qualified to lead the church? In some cases yes, and in some, no. Again, we cannot judge a persons will to change, only the result of their actions if caught…and even then, we have no place to judge.

    And here, you are judging Mr. Haggard at his lowest point of moral failure. It’s like walking into a hospital, and laughing at cancer patients for not having hair on their heads – without realizing there is a chance they can get better, and one day, re-grow that hair.

    But you can’t wait for that can you? You gotta point out the man’s faults when he’s down – while it’s clearly obvious to the rest of the world that Mr. Haggard has issues…just like you and I.

  2. February 24, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    raul – Let me defend myself – i was judging ted haggard before the scandal when he was leader of the National Association of Evangelicals (which is when he made those comments about how much sex he’s having), i just didn’t write about it.

    and haggard taught his flock to treat people the way he’s being treated. he created that. it is important to write about hypocrisy of these people. compassion is invaluable, but it is also extremely important to use these instances to shine a light on true christian behavior – haggard’s and that of the church he created. christians love to regale us with talk of their charity work – but this is a much better examination of collective christian behavior. to not comment on it would be to allow a valuable lesson to pass by and that would be pathetic cowardice in light of the progress many of us see as within reach.

  3. 3 raul
    February 24, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Then we need to clarify “hypocrisy” –

    We cannot say with absolute truth there is “hypocrisy” in the church. It would be more accurate to say – the church is filled with “people who are human and make mistakes, but are trying hard to get better at life.”

    A person who is honestly trying to live life better, but makes a mistake along the way is not a hypocrite.

    Where do you find sick people? In a hospital. Why? So they can get better.

    Where do you find “sinners”? At a church. Why? So they can get better at life.

    Was Dorothy surprised when she found out the “Wizard” was just a man? Maybe she was a little disappointed. People need to realize that pastors, church leaders, the pope – are absolutely normal people who don’t have any more of a connection to God than anyone else.

    We all shite in the toilet. We all make mistakes. And we all should own up to them.

    But don’t “crucify” the church because of a man who mad a major mistake in life, but is trying hard to live better….or in your terms, a hypocrite.

  4. February 24, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    raul – i see what you are trying to say, but let’s be clear. the church is filled with people who make mistakes – but the church is also filled with people who tell other people how to live their lives. the church is filled with people who would legislate their beliefs into a cage for the rest of us.

    i am not crucifying the church because of one man. i think the bible tells the story of a petty, jealous god that i would never follow. a god who would accept a murderer into heaven but a kind non-believer to hell. whatever. i don’t need to look at the people to condemn the church, the bible is all i need. however, it is not just the actions of haggard that condemn the church – look at falwell (before he died), robertson, hagee, the pope, sarah palin – and i could name a thousand more. these are all christians who would presume to tell us how to live our lives and they are all extremely fallible. don’t throw stones in glass houses. there is story after story in the news of religious leaders how embezzled money, molested children, are against sex education (which prevents far more abortions and teen pregnancy than abstinence only education). if we do not discuss the failings of these people and their leaders and their church, then we participate in the silence that permits these people to perpetuate their atrocities. i will not be a part of it. i will speak up – against the church and against its fallible followers. no matter how unpopular that may be. it’s reality time.

  5. 5 creativesalt
    February 24, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    For the record,

    It is NOT the responsibility of a Christian to “tell others how to live their own lives”. If you have come across any Christians who do that, let me be the first to apologize on their behalf, as that was completely uncalled for.

    Yes, there is “story after story in the news of how religious leaders embezzled money and molested children”….

    …as there are with non-religious leaders, atheists, heterosexuals, homosexuals, CEO’s, governors, politicians….

    The church is made of people. People are not perfect, we make mistakes.
    Politicians are made of people. Politicians are not perfect, they make mistakes.
    CEO’s are made of people. CEO’s are not perfect, they make mistakes.
    Mid Level Managers are made of people. Mid Level Managers are not perfect, they make mistakes.

    …I see a trend here, seems like we may be more equal than you think…

    For the record, it is preposterous to say that “god who would accept a murderer into heaven but a kind non-believer to hell” that is simply incorrect, and I apologize on behalf of the person (may have been a pastor for all I know) who told you this lie about God, forgive me.

    Lastly, there may be those in the church who force their views on others (which is wrong), and even some who proclaim “hell fire and brimstone” (which is definitely wrong)…

    but there are some Christians, believe it or not, who pass love on to others, who don’t judge, don’t look down or condemn, but look at people as God sees them – as an individual person who has their OWN choices to make in life…

    ..and to live life to the fullest, with no regret, or respecter of persons, to treat all with equality as Jesus did (even the adulterer in the Bible) and to live a life of love and grace.

    I think you’ve had a very bad experience with Christians in the past (hi, I’m captain obvious) and I am sorry for that. the good news is, it’s your life, and your opinion, and it’s been a pleasure talking with you so far : )

  6. February 24, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    raul, a.k.a. creative salt, a.k.a captain obvious – i appreciate all your comments and do believe discourse between believers and non-believers is most beneficial. please do not feel as though you need to apologize for fellow christians. most of my views are because of my own experience with the bible and as a former believer, not just what christians have told me. i find many things wrong with christianity as a religion – whatever the behavior of its followers. followers, however, are the reality arm of the religion, so their behavior is important.

    i do think if more christians were willing to enter uncomfortable discussions about christianity – as you are – and recognize the importance of treating all with equality – as, hopefully, you do – we’d ALL be better off.

    thanks for the discussion! as a resident of fort worth, i like having open-minded christians nearby.

  7. 7 creativesalt
    February 24, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    lol, anytime

    : )

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