02
Nov
08

Top Ten Things I’m Looking Forward To After The Election

I used to think I wasn’t looking forward to the end of the campaign season. I’m a political junkie and this has been my amusement park, replete with nausea-inducing roller coaster and euphoric rivers of sugary foods. But, these last few weeks have offered the basic, boring repetition of the same stories over and over and over again: Obama’s probably going to bring it home, Republicans are trying to suppress votes – AGAIN, early voting lines are 50 hours long, McCain’s campaign sucks huge donkey balls, Palin’s literally foaming at the mouth over her 2012 chances and our economy has gone from the  shitter to the cesspool.

It’s like that torture method where they play the same song over and over at full volume. Enough already!! I need some new news and new opinion and something else to blog about. I want to know what John Edwards has been up to and who Obama is going to put in his cabinet and whether the Iraqi government is going to sign the agreement continuing the efforts of our troops in their country past the New Year. I want to hear about Alaska approval numbers of Palin plummeting (hopefully), the removal of Lieberman from his Senate chairmanship, if Jesse Jackson’s kid is going to replace Obama in the Senate.

There is so much other news out there and yet every website and every news channel has had the same story for the last two weeks and it is killing me. And words I thought I would never utter are now tapping the edge of of my brain and begging for release, “I can’t wait ’til it’s over!!” I’m so excited, I’ve concocted a top ten list of things Wednesday morning will herald much to my glee:

10. No longer seeing Nancy Pfotenhauer’s unnaturally upturned nose sit atop her lying mouth. Yeah, I said it.

9. No longer watching the absurd circus of Joe-the-plumber fame serve as a reminder that much of this country’s IQ sit’s below that 100 median.

8. No longer having all four candidates’ speeches memorized word for word, saying them under my breath as their aired, causing my husband to hang his head in silent shame.

7. Having other stimuli and activity in my life so that when my non-Obama-supporting mother calls and asks me what’s going on, I can say something other than “nothing” because I know she’ll change the subject or have to get bread out of the oven as soon as I mention politics. She’s resorted to talking about to me about college football lately (damn you, Texas Tech!) – a clear sign of her determination to find something in my universe apart from politics suitable for conversation.

6. No longer wondering what the hell color Cindy McCain’s hair is. A cross between platinum-blond and old-lady silver? It’s like a yellow highlighter on steroids. Makes my pupils hurt.

5. No longer having to yell, Serenity Now! Serenity Now! every time some damn McCain surrogate spews ridiculous lies and accusations that may very well be typical fodder for election season, but have caused a nearly-permanent vein to bulge from my forehead.

4. No longer watching lately unfunny SNL only for the political intros and priceless MacGruber sketches.

3. No longer simultaneously being disgusted with McCain and feeling sorry for him. Granted, this might not end after the election, but at least it won’t plague my waking thoughts.

2. No longer sitting through a Joe Biden speech with white knuckles, yelling No Whammies! No Whammies!

1. No longer spending hours upon hours pouring over every website, peering into every nook and cranny, searching under every rock and in every cave for some hidden nugget of new and insightful information on the state of the race and the nation and the economy. I haven’t seen the sun in weeks, my skin is translucent, I would be losing weight if I wasn’t self-medicating my stress with copious amounts of beer and wine. Christ, I almost don’t even want to waste time blogging over anxiety one more little revelation might be evading my attention. You know those camps in Asia where they send kids who have addictions to video games? If this election weren’t over soon, we’d need one for information-obsessed adults barely recognizable to their friends and family. I’d be ashamed, but you know what? Fuck that! I love this election!! And the politics! And the possibility! The argument and debate and practice of democracy – what will I do when it’s all over?! Did I say I want it to end? How could I say that?! I lied! I lied! I hope this never ends – NEVER!!!

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