10. Lieberman: Old-man-creepy-pervy hasn’t been this out and about since before the Catholic priest scandal.
8. Palin: Hypocrisy is an Olympic sport, don’tcha know?
7. McCain Campaign: If this Obama-is-a-terrorist thing doesn’t start working, maybe we can link him to the lead-in-toys-from-China debacle…
6. Palin: I just gotta remember, “Noun, verb, subject. Noun, verb, subject.” Repeat as necessary…or not so much, wink, nudge, nudge!
5. ReinMcCaination NecroBushia: McCain’s utilization of Bush’s old campaign to win an election at the exact same time everyone really, really hates Bush.
3. If this election doesn’t come soon, Cindy McCain’s perma-smile is going to cause her face to shatter so violently, the entire space-time continuum will reverse and history will go backwards like when you press rewind on the VCR.
2. McCain makes being a democrat the latest thing to make white guys look cool since listening to rap music.
1. Hey Repubs, I hope shit tastes as good as it feels to serve it!
Bonus: I had so much fun coming up with McCain’s Fantasy Supreme Court, I decided I’d appoint his Cabinet members.
McCain’s Fantasy Cabinet (McCain’s own commentary included in parentheses):
- Department of Agriculture: Toby Keith (Toby Keith -> country -> land -> agriculture. yeah, yeah…)
- Department of Commerce: Old Man Henley, Cindy McCain’s dad (hey, anyone who can turn an amateur mob connection and a couple prison stints into a beer fortune can give me business advice any day.)
- Department of Defense: Yosemite Sam (heehee)
- Department of Energy: Rush Limbaugh (hell, he alone has enough hot air to make us energy independent tomorrow.)
- Department of Health & Human Services: Dr. Kervorkian (since we’re going to make it harder for people to get health care anyway…)
- Department of Homeland Security: John Wayne (sigh. i wished i looked cool in a cowboy hat, too.)
- Department of Housing & Urban Development: Leona Helmsley (that shit she said about only poor people paying taxes sure made me laugh and everyone knows i gotta kickass sense of humor, you little jerk Tom Brokaw)
- Department of the Interior: (what’s this? a decorator for the White House? i don’t have time for this shit.)
- Department of Justice: John Hagee (i hear his god smites gay people with hurricanes and that’s good enough for me, goddammit sumofabitch.)
- Department of Labor: Kunta Kinte (gotta have a black guy in the Cab so’s everyone doesn’t think my attacks on Obama were racist and xenophobic. what does xenophobic mean again? i just read that word the other day when i was sittin’ on the john for a half hour. screw metamucil!)
- Department of State: Sean Hannity (“America is the best, greatest country god god has ever given man on the face of the Earth!” Fuckin’ A, dude! Who wants to shotgun a Coors?!)
- Department of Transportation: The Little Engine That Could (that’s for you, joe sixpack, becky homecky, hockey pockey, and whoever else palin’s winkin’ at.)
- Department of Treasury: Carly Fiorina (no, she blew it) Meg Whitman (no, too ugly) Warren Buffett (hell no, i was just kiddin’) Rex Tillerson (maybe) James Mulva (reminds me of a Seinfeld episode) John Thain (maybe…hmmm…who else have i been grabbin’ my ankles for…?)
- Department of Veterans Affairs: (i’ll just do this one myself. i mean, i know how to win wars and i know how to capture osama bin laden and i know the difference between a tactic and a strategy and i know everything in the whole wide world besides the internet, google, and email, so mcnasty will just handle this one himself, k, chief?)
And, in case you missed my previous anti-mccain slogans: