Three Words: SARAH PALIN HANGOVER
That was bad. That was worse than the first three nights of the Democratic Convention. In fact, last night makes the Democrats look like they were partying like it was 1999. Undoubtedly, it was Sarah Palin’s Convention. She owned that sucker and only way last night was going to top Wednesday was if we started seeing pigs twirl through the stratosphere. In the words of Dana Carvery impersonating Bush I, “Not gonna happen.” I even started to feel bad for the speakers, like – really, really bad for them.
Let’s start with Lindsey Graham.
He’s like the Dick Clark of the Senate with the never-aging thing; he still looks just like a frat boy playing politician. God bless him, trying to get that sleepy crowd going – he was more fired up than the majority of the Democratic speakers last week, but the Sarah Palin hangover hit that nursing home crowd like a ton of morphine. He gave it the good ‘ol college try and attacked Obama for failing to acknowledge the surge’s success, which Obama had done earlier on – egads – Bill O’Reilly and said, “(Refering to the surge) I’ve already said it succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.” More Republican lies. Now, for my Repub friends out there – just cause I point this out doesn’t mean Democrats don’t lie, it’s just that this specifically was a lie. Falsehood. Tall Tale. You get the picture.
Another lie is the propagation that the reduced violence in Iraq is because of the surge. It’s not. It’s because we’re paying off Sunni militias. The mainstream media has largely cooperated in spreading this misinformation because it’s politically incorrect to say the truth. The only time I’ve ever heard mention of the Sunni payments was by Peter Gergen on CNN. The MSM just let the Repubs have this one. It’s called a “media blackout” or “bending over.” The Dems don’t deem it politically expedient to present an honest assesment of the reduced violence either – so they just give it to the Repubs even though it is one of their strongest arguments in the quest for reelection.
Lindsey Graham did have a bright moment of cleverness when he used Barack’s line for his own purposes, “It’s not that Barack Obama doesn’t get it (military, Iraq War), it’s that he doesn’t care.” That was really a “take that!” line and pretty successful. I give him props all the way.
Sarah Palin Video
Then came the Sarah Palin video, narrated by John Voight, and we were treated to what? 5? minutes of that horrifying synthizer in the background. It was almost as bad as that shrieking violin score in “There Will Be Blood.” Jesus – it was bad. Other than that the video was OK. Bland.
The crowd was dead for poor ol’ Tom. And I like him with that teeny little mouth of his. He had a good line, “You run to win. You win to govern.” Then he spoke about negotiating from a position of strength. Which is funny because our economy growth has slowed down and the Repubs not only want to continue with the Bush policies that weaken our economy, the Religioners are in the throws of attacking science, calling for Creationism to be taught in schools. Just ask Sarah Palin. Dumbing down our children (ahem, the future) and refusing to give tax breaks to alternative energy development – the industry that might just kick start this economy and keep us globally competetive – will insure that our dominance will wane, our strength will diminish and all of the “Might Makes Right” ideology will go down the pooper. Good job there, Repubs. Way to cut off your nose to spite your face. Makes me proud.
Then I laughed because the song “Right Now” by Van Halen came over the speakers and I remembered Van Halen was already pissed that the McCain campaign had used their tunes on the campaign trail. Tee-hee! And now Heart is mad that the McCain campaign is using their song “Barracuda” in reference to Palin.
Cindy McCain’s Video
Oh the horror! Forget more cowbell, they gave us more synthesizer! Please, anybody – is there not some seasoned filmmaker willing to help the Repubs out with these biographical presentations. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Gary Sinise – have you no enthusiasm? No inflection? That was the worst narrating job since Chelsea Clinton narrarated her mom’s video at the Dem shindig!
Of course, the video left out Cindy’s dad’s first wife, his mob ties and stint in prison. And when Gary Sinise said, “She got all the attention of her father,” I’m sure Hensley’s other daughter, Kathleen Portalski, cringed wherever she was. I just laughed at the moment where John and Cindy met and the script read, “a handsome captain introduced himself.” See, that was funny because they meant to say, “a handsome captain, who was married and a father of three, introduced himself.” Those Repubs and their memory!
I wanted to like the speech, I did! And maybe I would have if it wasn’t the most painful speech to watch since that of Kathleen Sebelius. Even my sister called me to say, “Are you gagging??” Yes, yes I was. She gave the whole speech like she was telling me my grandpa just died. I was going into a coma, my insides pleading, “Just get on to John, for the love of everything that is good and holy!!” Mark Salter, you are fired! Stick to writing books, buddy, and save us all the pain of our brains bleeding out our ears.
John McCain Video
What do you know? More synthesizer. My finger sat there, itching over the mute button. But I persevered. The theme was “Change.” How original.
Wooohooooo! Green screen!! I bet somebody got yelled out for that. hehe. See what had happened was…a few months ago, when Obama won the primary fight, McCain gave a speech in front of a green backdrop and was pilloried across the lands for the assault it gave the viewers’ eyeballs. Well, last night – the big screen displaying slides for the crowd inside the Xcel Center displayed this picture behind him:
Thanks to TPM for finding that one. No, it’s not one of his homes. It is some middle school. Anyhoo, during the close-ups of him, it gave him a plain green backdrop and was hysterical to those of us who have no lives and subsist on political coverage and slim jims and remember the episode from a few months ago.
He gave Obama his respect at the beginning of the speech, which was dumb because it’s hollow and EVERYONE knows it. Pander. Then the protestors came in, which too bad, because he worked hard for that moment and deserved it. He did do much better with the teleprompter this time, even though he still sucked donkey balls, but, hey, fish out of water. He just wants to get to the debates and we all know it.
He brought up the whole “I’d rather lose an election than lose a war” line again, which is so bogus because EVERYONE would rather lose an election than lose a war. Who wants to lose a war? Really? No one. The whole idea just plays to the mindless who think your character is determined by how many flags you wave and how many “support the troops” magnets you can put on your car. We ALL support the troops. We ALL want to win the war! Especially the NECESSARY war!
Then the litany of Republican economic policies began, which differed his speech from all the rest during
the Repub Convention. The first substance of the whole week and what does he give us? The same ol’ Republican economic verbage: open markets, school vouchers, lamenting bureaucrats standing in the way of the American Dream. Newsflash: it’s not bureaucrats standing in the way, it’s unethical corporate behavior. Still, nothing here to attract Independent voters. And wasn’t that the whole point? I forgot what the point was while watching the Sarah Palin Lifetime Movie.
Of course, he marched out the POW story. He’s been winning elections with that gem since 1982. But, I have to tell you, I am POWed out! I had Vietnam Vet teachers shape parts of my youth and heard the horrific stories, but the fact that I – me – could give you a riveting, detailed and specific account of John McCain’s POW experience has cheapened the history of it and blunted it as a political tool. Sure it can still bring tears to those who can personally relate, but riding it over and over again into public office has made the rest of us cynical. At least those of us who are honest about it. “I wasn’t my own man anymore, I was my country’s.” Paging Mark Salter. Get a new line.
ABC’s Karen Travers and I had the same reaction to McCain’s call for people to make the country a better one. McCain said, “Comfort the afflicted. Defend the rights of the oppressed. Our country will be the better, and you will be the happier. Because nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause greater than yourself.” Karen said, “If a community organizer isn’t someone “defend(ing) the rights of the oppressed,” or getting involved to correct the mistakes of government, what is it?” I said, No Shit, Sherlock – what the hell do you think a community organizer does?? Community organizers have fully responded to the attacks on them by Repubs, which you can read here. But, if you’re really a masochist, you can read conservative commentator Michelle Malkin’s piece on why it’s just Obama’s community organizing that was “a joke.”
Then the whole thing ended to the tune of a country song with the lyrics “We’re all just raisin’ McCain!” And I thought claims about Sarah Palin having more experience than Obama made me gag. No. That song made me G.A.G. And roll my eyes with the elitest thought, That song sucked ass!
Basically the speech was a Sam’s Club speech for a Sam’s Club audience. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sam’s Club and all the big bottles of Ranch salad dressing, but that speech was not going to turn on anyone who isn’t already in McCain’s shirt pocket. I don’t know that it was meant to – he knows teleprompter speeches are not his forté and is probably chomping at the bit to get Obama into that debate hall.
I’m just glad the conventions are over and I can watch The Daily Show at its regular time instead of TIVOing it.
Basically, you can sum up the Republican Convention with just a few general terms: Iraq Victory, Straight Talk, POW, OBAMA BAD, BUSH BAD, Same Ol’, Same Ol’, Change facade (pronouced “fah-kaid”), SARAH PALIN. Good job, Repubs! Pat on the back! But you can still suck it.