Top 10 Reasons Obama Won’t Be Dem. Nominee

FINALLY! The Pennsylvania primary is here – replete with the guilty pleasure of leaving the TV on MSNBC with political interview after political interview. At some point today, I promise I will get up and do something productive.

It’s been long and hard, with bouts of drama threatening to change the landscape of the democratic contest, yet never effectively squelching Obamamania. We’ve had some good times. The replay of the Bosnia clips, illustrating Hillary’s lack of respect for the truth was particularly gratifying. The Jeremiah Wright issue gave me pause – not because he said “Goddamn America” and everyone reacted as if criticizing our country is equivalent to treason – but because I question whether Obama truly believes Jesus is his lord and savior and the rest of us are going to hell. I’d put money that his “Christianity” is more a tool in his arsenal to accomplish civil and political goals. That gives me pause.

And the bitter comments, accusing xenophobic country bumpkins of clinging to guns and religion was a double-edged sword. I appreciated the comments because I agree with them in their totality. The reaction among progressive people, including Hillary Clinton, was disappointing as they attempted to assuage those who found themselves described in Obama’s comments. Not every American is beautiful and patriotic and hardworking and wonderful because they were born here. The voters tend to be caricatured more than the candidates among all the analysis. I hate that “And I’m Proud to be an American, Where at Least I Know I’m Free” song. Gag! Does that make me a fascist? Hell no! It means I have good taste in music.

Now we’ve reached April 22. Earth Day. My nephew’s birthday (shout out, Stuart!). And Pennsylvania Primary Day. I think, and I’m no Nostradamus, that it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Hillary will probably win the Pennsylvania Primary, but Obama will win the overall Democratic nomination. At this point, only untold, unforeseen circumstances could prevent Obama playing the lead role come the August convention in Denver.

I’ve decided to compile a top 10 list of reasons Obama might not be on that stage:

10. Hillary challenges Obama to a shot contest and drinks him under the table, putting in question his testicular fortitude.

9. Bush endorses Obama, gives him a meaningless medal of something.

8. A plague of biblical proportions of hanging chads besets the polling stations in Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Indiana.

7. Hillary reveals she has the supernatural ability to pee oil.

6. The Clinton campaign gets a hold of pics of Obama picking his nose. I mean really digging, because if there’s only slight entry, it doesn’t count.

5. Ron Paul conspiracy theorists link a paper Obama wrote in 6th grade to 9/11.

4. Karl Rove and his Fox goons burn the Pepsi Center down. Then Obama will have to accept the nomination somewhere else.

3. Obama tries to play more white-man sports on camera. Like shuffleboard or badminton.

2. Bill Clinton promises to wear a dress at Hillary’s inauguration if she’s elected.

1. Hillary Clinton is drugged with a truth serum and admits, “I’m a liar. I lie all the time. My phone number is 1-800-LIE-A-LOT. You can visit my website at www-dot-liesallthetime-dot-com. Lying is my life. Paging Doctor Von Liarhausen! Oh wait – That’s me!” (oh wait, this works IN Obama’s favor. good)

2 Responses to “Top 10 Reasons Obama Won’t Be Dem. Nominee”

  1. April 24, 2008 at 4:21 pm

    The top 1 reason he will. He is in the lead by a large margin.

    Enough said?

  2. 2 Meredith
    April 24, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    Enough said, kemo sabe.

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